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Thursday, March 12, 2009


I ended up getting a little less than 5 hours of sleep last night (this morning. yesterday morning? my schedule is so f-ed up) before my therapy appointment. Usually this means I kind of sit there and stare off past her a lot. But I was actually quite alert and chatty.

We didn't talk about religion as we'd planned to. I decided I wanted to talk about

a) My mom
b) My issues with eating
c) My dad's issues with my eating
d) MY issues with my mom's eating

Hahaha. On my way home from the counselor I stopped by Goodwill to look for fabric. While I was shopping, a girl complimented my shoes and it made me smile. I bought some awesome fabric and was planning on going home and immediately whipping up a dress or something but when I pulled into the driveway my dad was outside because he had just gotten the mail. He works at the hospital as a chaplain. I opened my car door and had one foot out ...

"I just saw Jill. She would really like to see you. Today would be a good day to do that, she's having a good day."

"Oh. Okay." I said and put my foot back in my car and closed the door and drove to the hospital. I met my friend Jill when I was working as a caregiver, and she was one of the people I took care of. She's only like 61 but has a lot of health probz and she's one of the coolest people I know. I kept telling her I'd come over and watch a movie with her or something but I didn't. One or the other of us was always having a "I'm-laying-in-bed-crying-and-don't-want-to-see-anyone" day. But she's been in the hospital awhile and even spent two weeks up at Harborview and was about to die. And I feel like such a shitty friend.

I bought her a stupid stuffed duck because I honestly thought "If it were me, I'd rather have a stuffed animal than flowers because I would probably be lying in that hospital bed crying every night and then I'd have something to cuddle with." OH and she's blind so I figured a card wouldn't be the best idea.

Apparently though, she likes being in the hospital because she's been there so often the nurses and she know eachother and she didn't seem too down about the sitch. I went to her house and picked up some stuff for her and all in all spent about 3 hours with her.

I hadn't eaten yet so I told her I had to go home and eat.

I went home and heated a can of soup. Then I started feeling really nauseous and I passed out from 8pm-2am. I still feel nauseous. And sad. And awake. When I first woke up my face kept curling up into that awful "I'm-gonna-cry" grimace that happens. But I didn't cry very much. And then what did I do? I texted my ex boyfriend (not the recent leaves-the-toilet-seat-up one but the Left-Me-For-Japan-for-Two-Years one) and I said "I want to smell you so bad." WTF? I very frequently really really hate the things I do.


PS had a Bally sale recently and they had THESE shoes. Which I actually almost bought at Nordstrom when they were new because I'd seen them online, but thankfully the Nordstrom in Tacoma did not have them (duh) and while they could have ordered them for me, there was no way I was paying $600 that I did not have for a pair of shoes that wouldn't even be instant gratification. Then I saw them at Nordstrom Rack like a year later, but just when I was about to purchase them THEN, I realized one of the shoes I had was a 7 and one was a 6 1/2. And the white leather was different colors on each shoe. Awk-ward. did not have my size but it was a bittersweet reminder of what could have been. Sigh.


Meme said...

Ugh I have days where I just want to be a hermit and cry, but then I repress it and move on. Not the best idea, it's gonna come out sooner or later.

I love those shoes!!! I want a pair, but I can never find the perfect pair in my size...Like all the damn 6 1/2 from all the stores have been taken.

Sarahahaha said...

haha ikr. I'm a 6 1/2 or 7 so all the really hot shoes sell out and i'm left with the medium hot to plain ugly styles.

insomniaclolita said...

I feel like that too. A LOT. I think you need some you time, seriously. Just pamper yourself for a day and I hope it helps a bit.

Gwen B. (aka skinny bitch) said...

I get the same way. I am just depressed and want to sleep the dat away in my bed and eat junk and cry and watch tv. I always feel better when I get to go out and do something with close friends. Hope all is well with Jill, and you too!

Sarahahaha said...

Thank you Gwen! Close friends helps, yeah. But sometimes even close friends just make me feel even more depressed. I hate when it feels like "work" to just socialize. blah

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