Survey says ... & pills and love

Kimora Lee 5 (29%)
Mariah Carey 1 (5%)
Beyonce 3 (17%)
Elton John 5 (29%)
Courtney Love 3 (17%)

So for this last survey I asked who of these people you would you choose to decorate your house. I picked Elton John. I don't really know why. I just went with my gut (: As I so often do. Haha. I'm going to post a new poll so vote please k thx!

I have been sooo tired lately. I don't know what's causing it other than I was on my period. But that's done with now and I'm still tired.

Last night I took a pill cocktail of 1/2 vicodin 1/2 xanax 3 benadryl and my regular anti depressant (now I know what you're thinking, but I'm not tired just because of the pill cocktail because I don't normally take all that stuff). Anyway, I was feeling really cozy and happy and I forced myself to do 300 situps. Maybe it's just me, but I love to do situps right before I'm going to fall asleep, and sometimes I fall asleep between sets. But then afterwards I can just crawl into bed and pass out.

Anyway, last night the boy I'm pretty much in love with told me he loved me. And he's said it lots of times before, but for some reason either the way he said it or the way I heard it was different. Maybe it was just the pill cocktail. But it gave me that warm fuzzy love-y feeling and I'm still kind of riding that high (:

And since I'm in such a good mood, I leave you with this picture to enjoy (:



P.S. Be careful not to get punk'd today as it is April Fools Day (: oh and btw it's also Badtz Maru's bday for anyone else as nerdy as I am.

p.p.s. photobucket deleted the sexy brian atwood man so this image is courtesy of the homotgraphy blog which is pretty fucking hot shit.

food stamps. mental health stigmas. the office.

Okay. Today I applied for food stamps. I'm really really not proud of this, but if I'm accepted for food stamps it will be a lot easier to defer my student loans. And really, there is no way I can handle another bill on top of everything. Anyway, during the application it asked if I had health reasons for not working. Or if I didn't work because I was disabled. And I really didn't know how to answer those.

I'm currently not working or in school because I have really bad depression and panic disorder and an eating disorder and unofficially diagnosed borderline personality disorder. Basically I have a lot of mental health issues. But I feel like those are bullshit reasons to not work. I really do. But that probably just makes me more depressed and more likely to have an anxiety attack. So wtf am I supposed to do? The last few days I've been a perfect commercial for depression or Paxil or Wellbutrin or Celexa or whatever when there's some person who's all by themselves looking really glum. Or maybe not because they never show people curled up in the fetal position crying in bed having not showered in 3 days in a very messy room with diet coke cans and snickers wrappers everywhere. Ugh. TMI sorry.

Anyway, I just read an article about depression and the stigma associated with it. It's about a study which concluded that people are more comfortable with admitting that they're gay, alcoholic, have cancer or are bankrupt. Seriously. People are more comfortable saying "I'm bankrupt" than "I have a mental health problem." I'm not judging bankruptcy because I'm pretty much bankrupt too. Haha. Reminds me of the episode of the Office where Michael "declares" bankruptcy. Check it out:

stupid worries. weight gain.

Lately I can. Not. Stop. Eating.




It's ridiculous and I'm sure I'm gaining weight which is stressing me out. Too bad my coping mechanism for stress is eating. I spent way too much money at the craft store yesterday so I'd better put it to good use. I feel like I can't focus though, because I have all these ideas of things I would like to do ... For instance, tonight, should I sew some ruffly underwear? A purse? Dolls? Should I do some more watercolors? Should I take some reference photos and start my still life series? Should I just take a nap?

Here is an average day in the life of me:
10am-1pm: wake up, check google analytics, my eBay, myspace, hotmail then go back to bed for bit
12pm-1pm: obligations/errands such as therapy, post office, bank, force me to get out of bed.
1pm-4pm: errands, shopping, eating
5pm-3am: eat, internet, make art/crafts
4am-7am: go to bed.

I guess my schedule is pretty fucked up. But the fact that I actually sketch or sew or think about art is pretty cool. It kind of scares me too though, I keep waiting for it to end. Like when you are learning to ride a bike and you get up and going ... but you know at any second you might fall over and bite it.

A potential job keeps calling me and I keep not answering. My friend Dana calls me like clockwork on her lunch break every day (i don't answer), which without fail, wakes me up. Ugh.

I think underwear sewing is winning out.