cute video + noriko's dinner table

a cute little short film/love story i happened upon today.



And going in a totally different direction ...

Last night I watched Noriko's Dinner Table. It's sort of a sequel sort of a prequel to Suicide Club/Circle. I liked Suicide Club, but it was maybe a little too fucked up for my taste. Despite the gore being over the top almost funny and really unrealistic, it grossed me out and was hard to watch a lot of the parts.

However, Noriko's Dinner Table was a lot less gory and a lot more touching. I liked it a lot. I think it more obviously illustrates the theme of being connected to yourself and to other people (specifically in an age where technological communication ironically disconnects people), but I think they're both about that. And both about alienated youth bla bla bla. Suicide Club left me feeling mostly confused. The trailer isn't very good, but it gives you a little preview of it. Has anyone else seen either Suicide Club or Noriko's Dinner Table.



And the trailer for Suicide Club if you haven't seen the movie yet:

Selling Prints, Psychiatry & Bad Ideas.

In my previous post I mentioned seeing a psychiatrist. I'd seen a psychiatrist once or twice when I went to college and I didn't really like or dislike him. He annoyed me a little because once because I think he implied he thought I had an alcohol problem. Anyway, this guy I saw last Thursday was pretty cool. He did not accuse me of having an alcohol problem, though he did ask if I thought the TV was trying to send me secret messages.

Anyway, I've been taking Wellbutrin because my previous insurance wouldn't cover Cymbalta which is my anti-depressant of choice. Now that the state is paying for all my medical stuff, I'm back on Cymbalta (adjusting is hard) and also got a rx for Ambien and Xanax (for insomnia and panic attacks respectively). Well last night, due to my change of anti depressants, I was feeling reeeally panicky and it was late so I thought "Oh I'll just take this Ambien and it'll put me to sleep." but it didn't make me sleepy. And I was still panicking. So I thought "Oh I'll take a Xanax and THAT'll put me to sleep."

And it did. But not before I did all kinds of ridiculous things I have only vague memories of.

I woke up and thought "huh. I smell like smoke." Shit! I ruined my 2 week streak of no smoking. Apparently last night I thought cigarettes would be a good idea so I drove to the gas station and bought a pack (I also bought some sweet berry Stride gum as evidenced by a glance into my purse this morning). I recall running into a curb and I still haven't gotten the nerve to go outside and make sure I didn't do anything bad to my car. I don't think I "drunk" dialed anybody, but I checked one of my chat boxes this morning and apparently I'd told someone "oh man. xanax + ambien = like 4 shots of vodka on an empty stomach!"

Today all I can do is shake my head in disappointment. The worst part was this morning I woke up with an equally bad, if not worse panic attack but I'm afraid of taking anything lest I go crazy being pretend drunk! I'm going to assume my downfall was the combi of ambien and xanax together because I've had them both before separately with no crazy effects.

Well. Anyway, I listed my monster drawings as prints you can buy from my etsy shop. I hadn't updated my paper store for awhile and though it was due time.

sarahahaha.etsy.com

Next post I'm going to address the results of the poll I took. I have a few things to say about that. (:

archive from 2005 + nsfw picture

Here is a picture of me in my first apartment:

I was heavier then, but looking back, I like how "womanly" I look. Please excuse the fact that I'm in underwear and 4" patent leather peeptoe heels. (:

reading some of my old entries from my previous blogs. i found this one:

testing the limits of something i've never trusted
it's not worth what you're getting for it
why bother?

i'm growing up, and it's fucking exciting.

I had just moved into my first apartment in Seattle, it was summer and the weather was so pretty and I would walk to my one painting class I had at SCCC or to the grocery store or to work. I spent a lot of time hanging out with 3 friends and we could never plan things to do that sounded fun but we always ended up doing something random and silly and enjoying ourselves. But the journal entry was about more than that. I thought at the time that I was about to find out who I was and feel comfortable with who I was because I had Asian friends for the first time and I lived by myself and could pretty much do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I threw up the first day I lived there (either because the city tap water was so nasty, or out of nervous excitement).

I had lots of hopes, like becoming comfortable with driving in the city (I miss that car). I still hate driving and it makes me completely panicky to drive in Seattle. I was completely uninterested in finding a boyfriend, but I liked feeling free to date or sleep with whoever I wanted. And I liked the feeling of people wanting to date me. There were a) just generally a higher number of guys b) a higher chance of finding a guy without a bad case of yellow fever. Despite the dating atmosphere being better than my tiny hometown, I still went on plenty of terrible dates, but I always thought it was kind of fun. I think a bad date is much more fun than an "okay" date because it makes a good story and I like to see ridiculous people in real life situations.

Anyway, that summer was the last time I felt any significant momentum in my life. It slowed once real school (SU) started in the fall and then eventually stopped during my senior year there. And my bf at the time pushed me to finish my winter quarter. He wrote a paper or maybe two for me and did all kinds of stuff or me even though he was going to school himself 100 miles away. That was the reason I passed my classes that quarter. By spring quarter, my last quarter, he was gone to Japan and with no one there to spoon feed me my homework, I gave up and dropped out six weeks before the quarter was over and I would've graduated.

By that time my coping skills were definitely no match for the elements in my life. I had pretty bad agoraphobia, and usually only left the house to get food or to go to counseling/health clinic appointments at school even though i had entirely stopped going to classes. I rarely answered my phone and mostly only talked to people via texts because it's less confrontational.

I'm realizing the coping skills I've developed are no match for reality. I need them though, desperately. Because without them, I think I might explode or implode, or walk out in the street naked and crazy or drive my car into the house.

Blah. I'm done for now.

typing vomit

all i can fucking think about is you leaving me. and i wanted desperately to cling on to your leg with my legs and my arms and try to make you stay but it would have been humiliating for me and it was easier to just curl up on the futon with my face into the back of it and ignore you when you tried to say goodbye. i turned to you and kissed you and your eyes were watery i think and you said "you're so mad at me." and i said "yeah, i am." and then i went back to being curled up. you looked so hurt that i was so pissed at you. and i get that. i got it then too. but it wasn't worth it. you weren't worth it. and i'm terrified i won't find someone who is.

i remember being so excited to tell you i love you for the first time. i wrote about it in my livejournal in fact! i told people about it. "I'm going to L-Bomb him when he gets back from Utah." and then you came back and i was so fucking scared but i did it and you were mad that I beat you to it. your timing was always wrong.

i remember you telling me you might stay in seattle and not go to japan until i had graduated and we could go together and in the meantime you might go to UW and i remember the next thing we were at ashley's, she was cutting your hair, and you were showing her on google maps where you would be living and she was so excited for you and everyone else was so excited for you except for me. i was the only person who wanted to ruin it for you. and that should have been the end. when i realized you weren't staying for me, i should have walked away but i was fucking stupid and i stayed. and i regret that every time i see your goddamn face in my mind, trying to kiss me with your teary-welled eyes and you saying "you're so mad at me."

The last part of last night's weird dream.

I had a dream last night. This is random, scattered recollections of it:

I remember standing on a street corner helping a giant woman (she seemed giant, was probably at least 6 feet tall and very big boned) take off her coat. I could tell that she and her two friends were German because they were talking w/eachother. And I for whatever reason decided to try to talk to them. My german is terrible and I said "Entschuldigung Sie bitte" which is like "excuse me" as I tried to walk around them. Then I asked "Konnen ich hilfe mit der buttons?" cuz I could tell this woman seemed a bit "special" and was trying to get her coat off.

Anyway, I helped her get the coat off and then I started crossing the street. Jeremy was in the middle of the street crossing diagonally even though there were cars coming and he said "Bun! Come follow me this way! I discovered something that other people on earth don't know about yet!" So I followed.

Eventually I got to the building I apparently lived in. Peter was there and tried to jump over a fence but kept not making it. I said "Aah! Don't kill yourself." and then somehow a penis joke got started. It probably went something like this:

Don't kill yourself Peter!
I'll kill you!
I'll kill your penis!
Your mom has a penis.
YOU have a penis! OH wait.

Or something equally tasteful and classy. Both Christina and Jeremy were there to join in. Peter and Jeremy were roommates and Christina and I lived together. We heard ZJ whining from the apt so we hurried up the stairs to get him. He'd peed on the floor but I wasn't mad because I blamed it on myself for leaving him home alone so long.



OH SHIT. I remember I was going to give my dentist a blowjob (WTF?) And I can't remember why, but it was in payment for something like my fake tooth that I have. He was not attractive (in reality I actually have an okay-looking dentist). He kept trying to have sex with me though and I was like "Stay away from my pussy! I'm not having sex with you!" And also was taking FOREVER to finish. Eventually I just asked him "How long is this going to take? Are you ... close?" and he acted all mock offended but I could tell he was really pissed off and frustrated. He said "You don't have to stay here. It's not like I'm going to take anything back if you don't stay."

There were also other people that I know from church Sunday school including a girl who's dead now. And I remember in the dream contemplating whether or not I could ever date her because she was super butch in real life.

There were necklaces that had messages written in beads on them, but I just had 3 blank cords around my neck.

Anyway, Mr. Dentist's penis was awful I hated it. I left because I felt really awful and sleazy. And then I think that's when I met up with the German ladies on the street corner.

What if the world was made of pudding?

1.) click this link to see a terrifying video. seriously, fucked up.

2.) finally, i made some things today:





This hot pink wallet/clutch is made out of a vintage 80's windbreaker! Here is the etsy listing for it: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=24234356





And this little tiny baby kisslock coin purse is made w/vintage 80's fabric (thank you, thrift store) and embellished with beads. Listing: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=24226412

3.) my computer is malware/spyware/virus-ridden and it's running hella slow and stupid. have been scanning it all day.

FML

My ex boyfriend borrowed my car for a ridiculously long period of time earlier this year. "One to two weeks" turned into like a month. My ex-roommate in Seattle messaged me and said a parking ticket came for me in the mail there. It was obviously a ticket he incurred. I asked her to send it and she forgot. She emailed me images of the front and back of the ticket and I forwarded them to my ex. He said "Oh I don't have checks yet. What's your license plate number? Maybe I can pay it online."

to which I replied "Oh, my license plate is _____. It's also printed on the ticket along with all my other information. Also, you can pay it online at http://seattle.gov/courts and the URL is also stated on the ticket. Or you can pay by phone at 206-384-5600 (this number is also stated on the ticket).

He never responded after this. I had a dream this morning that he was avoiding talking to me about the ticket. Then I woke up and realized I was just dreaming about real life ): The ticket was already late (It had gone up from $38 to $63) and was due tomorrow so I paid it myself today with a credit card. And I now have $3 of available credit left.

Really Embarrassing Moment

Oh god. I had forgot this even happened to me today until just a minute ago. I'm not even sure how to tell this story.

Okay.

Whisper this over and over: Sarah ... Sarah ... Sarah... Sarah ...

Did you do it? Outloud? You have to do it outloud.

Obviously that is my name. And if I happened to be in a public place, say, in line at the post office, it would be only natural for me to turn and look for the person who kept whispering my name right?

I turned to look and saw about three people. I didn't recognize any of the faces. Plus, none of their mouths were moving. Yet I still heard my name being whispered over and over.

WTF?

Who the hell was whispering my name??

oh. OHH. OH NO!!!

I am the worst person in the world!

It was an older gentleman's oxygen! The sound of his oxygen supply was coming out in little bursts and somehow each little spurt of air made a sound that I swear to god sounded exactly like Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah.

I realized my embarrassing situation and accidentally made eye contact with the old man for a split second before turning to face forward and willing the line to move faster.

I'm sure all the other people in line were like "That bitch is STARING at the poor old man with the oxygen tank! Learn some manners, woman!"

omg. Most awkward moment I've had in a long long time.

phone convo.

Jeremy: I'm so excited to hang out with you even though I don't even know when it will be. I mean I don't have a plan for it or anything.

Me: That's like how my mom's really excited for the Second Coming.

"ugh."

I ended up getting a little less than 5 hours of sleep last night (this morning. yesterday morning? my schedule is so f-ed up) before my therapy appointment. Usually this means I kind of sit there and stare off past her a lot. But I was actually quite alert and chatty.

We didn't talk about religion as we'd planned to. I decided I wanted to talk about

a) My mom
b) My issues with eating
c) My dad's issues with my eating
d) MY issues with my mom's eating

Hahaha. On my way home from the counselor I stopped by Goodwill to look for fabric. While I was shopping, a girl complimented my shoes and it made me smile. I bought some awesome fabric and was planning on going home and immediately whipping up a dress or something but when I pulled into the driveway my dad was outside because he had just gotten the mail. He works at the hospital as a chaplain. I opened my car door and had one foot out ...

"I just saw Jill. She would really like to see you. Today would be a good day to do that, she's having a good day."

"Oh. Okay." I said and put my foot back in my car and closed the door and drove to the hospital. I met my friend Jill when I was working as a caregiver, and she was one of the people I took care of. She's only like 61 but has a lot of health probz and she's one of the coolest people I know. I kept telling her I'd come over and watch a movie with her or something but I didn't. One or the other of us was always having a "I'm-laying-in-bed-crying-and-don't-want-to-see-anyone" day. But she's been in the hospital awhile and even spent two weeks up at Harborview and was about to die. And I feel like such a shitty friend.

I bought her a stupid stuffed duck because I honestly thought "If it were me, I'd rather have a stuffed animal than flowers because I would probably be lying in that hospital bed crying every night and then I'd have something to cuddle with." OH and she's blind so I figured a card wouldn't be the best idea.

Apparently though, she likes being in the hospital because she's been there so often the nurses and she know eachother and she didn't seem too down about the sitch. I went to her house and picked up some stuff for her and all in all spent about 3 hours with her.

I hadn't eaten yet so I told her I had to go home and eat.

I went home and heated a can of soup. Then I started feeling really nauseous and I passed out from 8pm-2am. I still feel nauseous. And sad. And awake. When I first woke up my face kept curling up into that awful "I'm-gonna-cry" grimace that happens. But I didn't cry very much. And then what did I do? I texted my ex boyfriend (not the recent leaves-the-toilet-seat-up one but the Left-Me-For-Japan-for-Two-Years one) and I said "I want to smell you so bad." WTF? I very frequently really really hate the things I do.

Ugh.

PS Gilt.com had a Bally sale recently and they had THESE shoes. Which I actually almost bought at Nordstrom when they were new because I'd seen them online, but thankfully the Nordstrom in Tacoma did not have them (duh) and while they could have ordered them for me, there was no way I was paying $600 that I did not have for a pair of shoes that wouldn't even be instant gratification. Then I saw them at Nordstrom Rack like a year later, but just when I was about to purchase them THEN, I realized one of the shoes I had was a 7 and one was a 6 1/2. And the white leather was different colors on each shoe. Awk-ward. Gilt.com did not have my size but it was a bittersweet reminder of what could have been. Sigh.

stupid worries. weight gain.

Lately I can. Not. Stop. Eating.




It's ridiculous and I'm sure I'm gaining weight which is stressing me out. Too bad my coping mechanism for stress is eating. I spent way too much money at the craft store yesterday so I'd better put it to good use. I feel like I can't focus though, because I have all these ideas of things I would like to do ... For instance, tonight, should I sew some ruffly underwear? A purse? Dolls? Should I do some more watercolors? Should I take some reference photos and start my still life series? Should I just take a nap?

Here is an average day in the life of me:
10am-1pm: wake up, check google analytics, my eBay, myspace, hotmail then go back to bed for bit
12pm-1pm: obligations/errands such as therapy, post office, bank, force me to get out of bed.
1pm-4pm: errands, shopping, eating
5pm-3am: eat, internet, make art/crafts
4am-7am: go to bed.

I guess my schedule is pretty fucked up. But the fact that I actually sketch or sew or think about art is pretty cool. It kind of scares me too though, I keep waiting for it to end. Like when you are learning to ride a bike and you get up and going ... but you know at any second you might fall over and bite it.

A potential job keeps calling me and I keep not answering. My friend Dana calls me like clockwork on her lunch break every day (i don't answer), which without fail, wakes me up. Ugh.

I think underwear sewing is winning out.