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Friday, May 29, 2009

typing vomit

all i can fucking think about is you leaving me. and i wanted desperately to cling on to your leg with my legs and my arms and try to make you stay but it would have been humiliating for me and it was easier to just curl up on the futon with my face into the back of it and ignore you when you tried to say goodbye. i turned to you and kissed you and your eyes were watery i think and you said "you're so mad at me." and i said "yeah, i am." and then i went back to being curled up. you looked so hurt that i was so pissed at you. and i get that. i got it then too. but it wasn't worth it. you weren't worth it. and i'm terrified i won't find someone who is.

i remember being so excited to tell you i love you for the first time. i wrote about it in my livejournal in fact! i told people about it. "I'm going to L-Bomb him when he gets back from Utah." and then you came back and i was so fucking scared but i did it and you were mad that I beat you to it. your timing was always wrong.

i remember you telling me you might stay in seattle and not go to japan until i had graduated and we could go together and in the meantime you might go to UW and i remember the next thing we were at ashley's, she was cutting your hair, and you were showing her on google maps where you would be living and she was so excited for you and everyone else was so excited for you except for me. i was the only person who wanted to ruin it for you. and that should have been the end. when i realized you weren't staying for me, i should have walked away but i was fucking stupid and i stayed. and i regret that every time i see your goddamn face in my mind, trying to kiss me with your teary-welled eyes and you saying "you're so mad at me."

10 comments:

ScoMan said...

This post made me sad =(

Lily G. said...

=( Cheer up hun.

liliesandgrapes.blogspot.com

will said...

im sorry you're going through this....but at the same time very well written. very artisitc. :)

Melissa said...

Happy pills, I'm sending them your way...and taking some of my own.

Ketmany said...

im sorry this is all going on right now. i hope you feel better soon.

Sarahahaha said...

Thanks for so many nice comments. I'm fine. I just had to vent [wah-wah].

Anonymous said...

I'm sort of going through the same thing. My boyfriend is leaving for Central America in a few months, no, weeks (!!!!) for a very long time. :( He'll miss special occasions, birthdays, parties, etc. and I will be all alone. I am not happy about this. I've never been away from my boyfriend for such a long period of time and I hate sleeping alone. BUT he has always wanted to take this extensive trip. It's been his dream. Who am I to stand in his way. Life is too short not to do things you really want to for another person. I know that if I wanted to do something outrageous, he would support me and be there for me. So am I supporting him. We love each other silly... This will be something we will go through together. For love's sake. :) Although I want him to stay, I know that if he does for me, he'll always wonder, "What IF I went on that trip" or he'll always have that feeling of missing out on something that he's been wanting to do for a while now. I can't live with that so I'm sucking it up and slapping a smile on my face. It's going to be a rough...

Tanya said...

Your post took me back when my ex broke up with me. In hindsight, it was for the best, but at the time it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. He was my first serious relationship and I didn't really know how to deal with the break-up. It seemed like the end of the world at the time, but years later I laugh at it.

Hang in there :)

Sarahahaha said...

It's not that I feel like it's the end of the world. I just really don't trust my judgment anymore. I stayed around hoping he'd come back for like almost 2 years after that day! wtf status.

Just Playing Pretend said...

I cried at this. Today I might be lonely and you brought the emotion out. Weird.

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