archive from 2005 + nsfw picture

Here is a picture of me in my first apartment:

I was heavier then, but looking back, I like how "womanly" I look. Please excuse the fact that I'm in underwear and 4" patent leather peeptoe heels. (:

reading some of my old entries from my previous blogs. i found this one:

testing the limits of something i've never trusted
it's not worth what you're getting for it
why bother?

i'm growing up, and it's fucking exciting.

I had just moved into my first apartment in Seattle, it was summer and the weather was so pretty and I would walk to my one painting class I had at SCCC or to the grocery store or to work. I spent a lot of time hanging out with 3 friends and we could never plan things to do that sounded fun but we always ended up doing something random and silly and enjoying ourselves. But the journal entry was about more than that. I thought at the time that I was about to find out who I was and feel comfortable with who I was because I had Asian friends for the first time and I lived by myself and could pretty much do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I threw up the first day I lived there (either because the city tap water was so nasty, or out of nervous excitement).

I had lots of hopes, like becoming comfortable with driving in the city (I miss that car). I still hate driving and it makes me completely panicky to drive in Seattle. I was completely uninterested in finding a boyfriend, but I liked feeling free to date or sleep with whoever I wanted. And I liked the feeling of people wanting to date me. There were a) just generally a higher number of guys b) a higher chance of finding a guy without a bad case of yellow fever. Despite the dating atmosphere being better than my tiny hometown, I still went on plenty of terrible dates, but I always thought it was kind of fun. I think a bad date is much more fun than an "okay" date because it makes a good story and I like to see ridiculous people in real life situations.

Anyway, that summer was the last time I felt any significant momentum in my life. It slowed once real school (SU) started in the fall and then eventually stopped during my senior year there. And my bf at the time pushed me to finish my winter quarter. He wrote a paper or maybe two for me and did all kinds of stuff or me even though he was going to school himself 100 miles away. That was the reason I passed my classes that quarter. By spring quarter, my last quarter, he was gone to Japan and with no one there to spoon feed me my homework, I gave up and dropped out six weeks before the quarter was over and I would've graduated.

By that time my coping skills were definitely no match for the elements in my life. I had pretty bad agoraphobia, and usually only left the house to get food or to go to counseling/health clinic appointments at school even though i had entirely stopped going to classes. I rarely answered my phone and mostly only talked to people via texts because it's less confrontational.

I'm realizing the coping skills I've developed are no match for reality. I need them though, desperately. Because without them, I think I might explode or implode, or walk out in the street naked and crazy or drive my car into the house.

Blah. I'm done for now.

frustrated

I am so hungry. I don't like to talk a lot about eating/weight issues here because it seems trivial, but I am really irritated I have a pair of jeans that don't fit me anymore. Honestly I fucking hate working out. It never works for me as a means of weight loss because it makes me SO hungry and I end up building a ton of muscle and putting on fat too because I eat so much more. I'm trying to cut calories without going too crazy about it, but that's hard for me to do too.

Today is sunny, hopefully that will help my mood.

Today I have an "intake appointment" at a mental health clinic. I am not sure what this means, but I think it has something to do with changing therapists. Not excited at all about that. Also not excited about how my mom wants to go with me and then go to thrift shopping afterward. Meh. She might buy me stuff though, so maybe I should have her come along. And I do hate driving ...

Stupid.

I started writing some letters to friends that I've said I'd send fun surprises to. If anyone wants a snailmail letter and probably stickers and maybe some other fun stuff, send me your address to moenoep[at]hotmail[com]. I just bought a bunch of stamps and I love sending and receiving mail.


I took these pictures a few days ago when I was out sunbathing. Hope it's another day like this ...

Where have I been???

Stephanie asked me where I disappeared to. Thanks for missing me! Haha. My computer had been slowly dying; running slower, showing all kinds of symptoms of being hella virus-ridden until it crashed completely last night/this morning. I thought I would have to get back together with my Microsoft/SDET ex bf in order to get my computer back up and running. Fortunately though, my amazing dad reformatted it for me today. Which is nice because I don't have to do something dumb like move to Utah to get my computer fixed.

That was a joke anyway. I'm sure he would have helped me with my computer anyway, he's a nice guy. Despite the fact that every night before I fall asleep I have a quick flashback of him, leaving my apartment two years ago, to move to Japan ... I still have mostly fond feelings toward him. I think. Maybe.

I am re-installing/re-downloading all kinds of shit because I lost EVERYTHING. If anyone has any music suggestions for me to download I'd appreciate your input! I had amassed a decent collection of pirated movies and music and starting over is frustrating but kinda feels nice and fresh I guess too. :P

Clutch #8

Last night I watched five episodes of Heroes. Tonight I had a Lipstick Jungle marathon (I adore Victory Ford and aspire to be her some day. Complete with millionaire love interest) and then a Fringe marathon. Then I watched an episode of the Simpsons. I love hulu.

Is it bad that I am really interested in electroconvulsive therapy? I wasn't aware they even still used this until a friend of mine mentioned it. But then I wikipedia'd it and apparently it's quite safe and relatively effective. I wonder if my insurance would cover this ... uhh.

I made chicken cordon bleu for the first time today (also the first time eating it) and it was pretty tasty. btw this cooking blog is awesome. I saw my therapist today and I think every time I see her I surprise her a little more with my strange thoughts, philosophies, theories, etc. I like her though and she is easy to talk to.

I was thinking ... it's not so bad that I have no money to pay any bills. Because soon my phone will be turned off. And then collections can't call me! Haha. Sad. Believe it or not, I actually currently have a pretty good credit score. April will be the end of that though. ): Talking about money is boring and lame and tacky. I'll stop.

My dog is adorable and trying to keep his sleepy eyes open to watch me from his vantage point on the bed. I love him.



p.s. oh yeah, the clutch will be listed on etsy tomorrow (provided i wake up before the daylight is gone again) i need to take proper pictures and sew a snap closure on it first. (:

p.p.s. oh and why the hell am i selling my ds just when GRAND THEFT AUTO: CHINATOWN WARS is coming out?

food stamps. mental health stigmas. the office.

Okay. Today I applied for food stamps. I'm really really not proud of this, but if I'm accepted for food stamps it will be a lot easier to defer my student loans. And really, there is no way I can handle another bill on top of everything. Anyway, during the application it asked if I had health reasons for not working. Or if I didn't work because I was disabled. And I really didn't know how to answer those.

I'm currently not working or in school because I have really bad depression and panic disorder and an eating disorder and unofficially diagnosed borderline personality disorder. Basically I have a lot of mental health issues. But I feel like those are bullshit reasons to not work. I really do. But that probably just makes me more depressed and more likely to have an anxiety attack. So wtf am I supposed to do? The last few days I've been a perfect commercial for depression or Paxil or Wellbutrin or Celexa or whatever when there's some person who's all by themselves looking really glum. Or maybe not because they never show people curled up in the fetal position crying in bed having not showered in 3 days in a very messy room with diet coke cans and snickers wrappers everywhere. Ugh. TMI sorry.

Anyway, I just read an article about depression and the stigma associated with it. It's about a study which concluded that people are more comfortable with admitting that they're gay, alcoholic, have cancer or are bankrupt. Seriously. People are more comfortable saying "I'm bankrupt" than "I have a mental health problem." I'm not judging bankruptcy because I'm pretty much bankrupt too. Haha. Reminds me of the episode of the Office where Michael "declares" bankruptcy. Check it out:

FML

My ex boyfriend borrowed my car for a ridiculously long period of time earlier this year. "One to two weeks" turned into like a month. My ex-roommate in Seattle messaged me and said a parking ticket came for me in the mail there. It was obviously a ticket he incurred. I asked her to send it and she forgot. She emailed me images of the front and back of the ticket and I forwarded them to my ex. He said "Oh I don't have checks yet. What's your license plate number? Maybe I can pay it online."

to which I replied "Oh, my license plate is _____. It's also printed on the ticket along with all my other information. Also, you can pay it online at http://seattle.gov/courts and the URL is also stated on the ticket. Or you can pay by phone at 206-384-5600 (this number is also stated on the ticket).

He never responded after this. I had a dream this morning that he was avoiding talking to me about the ticket. Then I woke up and realized I was just dreaming about real life ): The ticket was already late (It had gone up from $38 to $63) and was due tomorrow so I paid it myself today with a credit card. And I now have $3 of available credit left.

Really Embarrassing Moment

Oh god. I had forgot this even happened to me today until just a minute ago. I'm not even sure how to tell this story.

Okay.

Whisper this over and over: Sarah ... Sarah ... Sarah... Sarah ...

Did you do it? Outloud? You have to do it outloud.

Obviously that is my name. And if I happened to be in a public place, say, in line at the post office, it would be only natural for me to turn and look for the person who kept whispering my name right?

I turned to look and saw about three people. I didn't recognize any of the faces. Plus, none of their mouths were moving. Yet I still heard my name being whispered over and over.

WTF?

Who the hell was whispering my name??

oh. OHH. OH NO!!!

I am the worst person in the world!

It was an older gentleman's oxygen! The sound of his oxygen supply was coming out in little bursts and somehow each little spurt of air made a sound that I swear to god sounded exactly like Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. Sarah.

I realized my embarrassing situation and accidentally made eye contact with the old man for a split second before turning to face forward and willing the line to move faster.

I'm sure all the other people in line were like "That bitch is STARING at the poor old man with the oxygen tank! Learn some manners, woman!"

omg. Most awkward moment I've had in a long long time.

"ugh."

I ended up getting a little less than 5 hours of sleep last night (this morning. yesterday morning? my schedule is so f-ed up) before my therapy appointment. Usually this means I kind of sit there and stare off past her a lot. But I was actually quite alert and chatty.

We didn't talk about religion as we'd planned to. I decided I wanted to talk about

a) My mom
b) My issues with eating
c) My dad's issues with my eating
d) MY issues with my mom's eating

Hahaha. On my way home from the counselor I stopped by Goodwill to look for fabric. While I was shopping, a girl complimented my shoes and it made me smile. I bought some awesome fabric and was planning on going home and immediately whipping up a dress or something but when I pulled into the driveway my dad was outside because he had just gotten the mail. He works at the hospital as a chaplain. I opened my car door and had one foot out ...

"I just saw Jill. She would really like to see you. Today would be a good day to do that, she's having a good day."

"Oh. Okay." I said and put my foot back in my car and closed the door and drove to the hospital. I met my friend Jill when I was working as a caregiver, and she was one of the people I took care of. She's only like 61 but has a lot of health probz and she's one of the coolest people I know. I kept telling her I'd come over and watch a movie with her or something but I didn't. One or the other of us was always having a "I'm-laying-in-bed-crying-and-don't-want-to-see-anyone" day. But she's been in the hospital awhile and even spent two weeks up at Harborview and was about to die. And I feel like such a shitty friend.

I bought her a stupid stuffed duck because I honestly thought "If it were me, I'd rather have a stuffed animal than flowers because I would probably be lying in that hospital bed crying every night and then I'd have something to cuddle with." OH and she's blind so I figured a card wouldn't be the best idea.

Apparently though, she likes being in the hospital because she's been there so often the nurses and she know eachother and she didn't seem too down about the sitch. I went to her house and picked up some stuff for her and all in all spent about 3 hours with her.

I hadn't eaten yet so I told her I had to go home and eat.

I went home and heated a can of soup. Then I started feeling really nauseous and I passed out from 8pm-2am. I still feel nauseous. And sad. And awake. When I first woke up my face kept curling up into that awful "I'm-gonna-cry" grimace that happens. But I didn't cry very much. And then what did I do? I texted my ex boyfriend (not the recent leaves-the-toilet-seat-up one but the Left-Me-For-Japan-for-Two-Years one) and I said "I want to smell you so bad." WTF? I very frequently really really hate the things I do.

Ugh.

PS Gilt.com had a Bally sale recently and they had THESE shoes. Which I actually almost bought at Nordstrom when they were new because I'd seen them online, but thankfully the Nordstrom in Tacoma did not have them (duh) and while they could have ordered them for me, there was no way I was paying $600 that I did not have for a pair of shoes that wouldn't even be instant gratification. Then I saw them at Nordstrom Rack like a year later, but just when I was about to purchase them THEN, I realized one of the shoes I had was a 7 and one was a 6 1/2. And the white leather was different colors on each shoe. Awk-ward. Gilt.com did not have my size but it was a bittersweet reminder of what could have been. Sigh.

newsflash

today (and by today i mean yesterday, because i haven't gone to bed yet) i have been filled with so much self-loathing i can barely stand it. i ate two loaves of french bread, a bag of parmesan goldfish, two lindt chocolate bars (one creme brulee one truffle cake and neither lived up to my expectations. anddd some other stuff i can't remember.

but yeah, sometimes i feel like my life in general brings new meaning to the phrase "eating your feelings."

good thing i have therapy appointment in about ... 5 hours and 45 minutes. ha.

today we're planning to talk about my f'd up religious beliefs. yikes.

i have been making lots and lots of stuff. i'll post a few pictures here, but if you want to see more just go to my flickr account.








OH. and ...

...News Headlines if I Ran a Paper

"Rosie O'Donnell has an etsy page"

"Myspace Credit Card exists"

and

"Confessions of a Shopaholic Made Me Cry"
subtitle: triggered self-loathing

1. i'm still not asleep. it's 6:33 and i can smell my dad cooking his breakfast. ew.

2. i just checked my email and gilt.com is having a helmut lang sale AND an oscar de la renta sale today at noon so i better fucking get to sleep so i can wake up in time to look at clothes that i don't even have credit card money for.

3. i just activated two credit cards that i've had for awhile (i just got new ones), and one of them made me talk to a real lady. her name was deborah and she sounded like a robot. i kept zoning out like when you're on an airplane and the flight attendants are droning on about wearing your seatbelt and inflating your oxygen mask, except this person kept trying to get me to sign up for some credit protection program and i was like UGH i'm already UNEMPLOYED, can you cancel my balance up to $10,000.00 NOW?

4. i think i broke up with my boyfriend last night. i'm still undecided on whether it really doesn't bother me that much, or if i'm just dissociating myself from my feelings.

5. ftbs.

wah-wah.

Today I am completely miserable. I don't know what's wrong with me. I saw my therapist this morning but I was tired because I only got four hours of sleep last night. I talked about stuff that just stressed me out. I listed stuff on eBay, tried to nap but instead ate. Listed more stuff on eBay. My room's a mess and my life is so frustrating.

On a positive note I sent out three postcards to people in Finland, Germany and Illinois. I signed up at postcrossing.com and I am super excited about it.

I wanted to throw a plate at my mom's head this afternoon.
I was outbid on a lot of 4 pairs of Bally shoes.
I am running low on whole milk.
I am running low on money.

When I grow up I want a Chloe bag, a closet full of Louboutins, Giuseppe Zanottis, children (1 boy, 1 girl), a gas stove, French copper pots, a bullmastiff, and a really well landscaped yard.