archive from 2005 + nsfw picture

Here is a picture of me in my first apartment:

I was heavier then, but looking back, I like how "womanly" I look. Please excuse the fact that I'm in underwear and 4" patent leather peeptoe heels. (:

reading some of my old entries from my previous blogs. i found this one:

testing the limits of something i've never trusted
it's not worth what you're getting for it
why bother?

i'm growing up, and it's fucking exciting.

I had just moved into my first apartment in Seattle, it was summer and the weather was so pretty and I would walk to my one painting class I had at SCCC or to the grocery store or to work. I spent a lot of time hanging out with 3 friends and we could never plan things to do that sounded fun but we always ended up doing something random and silly and enjoying ourselves. But the journal entry was about more than that. I thought at the time that I was about to find out who I was and feel comfortable with who I was because I had Asian friends for the first time and I lived by myself and could pretty much do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I threw up the first day I lived there (either because the city tap water was so nasty, or out of nervous excitement).

I had lots of hopes, like becoming comfortable with driving in the city (I miss that car). I still hate driving and it makes me completely panicky to drive in Seattle. I was completely uninterested in finding a boyfriend, but I liked feeling free to date or sleep with whoever I wanted. And I liked the feeling of people wanting to date me. There were a) just generally a higher number of guys b) a higher chance of finding a guy without a bad case of yellow fever. Despite the dating atmosphere being better than my tiny hometown, I still went on plenty of terrible dates, but I always thought it was kind of fun. I think a bad date is much more fun than an "okay" date because it makes a good story and I like to see ridiculous people in real life situations.

Anyway, that summer was the last time I felt any significant momentum in my life. It slowed once real school (SU) started in the fall and then eventually stopped during my senior year there. And my bf at the time pushed me to finish my winter quarter. He wrote a paper or maybe two for me and did all kinds of stuff or me even though he was going to school himself 100 miles away. That was the reason I passed my classes that quarter. By spring quarter, my last quarter, he was gone to Japan and with no one there to spoon feed me my homework, I gave up and dropped out six weeks before the quarter was over and I would've graduated.

By that time my coping skills were definitely no match for the elements in my life. I had pretty bad agoraphobia, and usually only left the house to get food or to go to counseling/health clinic appointments at school even though i had entirely stopped going to classes. I rarely answered my phone and mostly only talked to people via texts because it's less confrontational.

I'm realizing the coping skills I've developed are no match for reality. I need them though, desperately. Because without them, I think I might explode or implode, or walk out in the street naked and crazy or drive my car into the house.

Blah. I'm done for now.

polyvore!

One of my fave color combinations!

gray and yellow by polygnome featuring Christian Louboutin shoes

If I was a dude, I'd dress like such a douchebag.

Monochromatic by polygnome featuring All Saints

Polyvore is so much fun! It's like playing dress up without having body images issues because you're not actually trying things on. But you get to make outfits and shop by color or brand or category of items. So it's not quite as fun as real shopping, but it's pretty cool as far as internet window shopping goes.

So in an effort to try to climb out of this sinkhole they call "major depressive disorder" and I call "life" I started taking my anti-depressants again (last night). So I didn't fall asleep until about 9 this morning and then slept til 3:45 this afternoon. But I'm also going to start having a goal for every day. A tiny, completely reasonably accomplishable goal. Today's goal is to do laundry. So I'm going to go start that.

Or maybe put it off for a bit longer ... Ha!

he rocked my world

How much do I love Michael Jackson? IT IS AN UNENDING LOVE!

My parents are hella Christian and I wasn't allowed to listen to secular music until I was in middle school. So the first time I really fell in love with Michael Jackson was when I--on a whim--decided to rent some VHS tapes of his videos/performances. I couldn't believe how cool they were!

Then in 2001 I watched the Michael Jackson 30th Anniversary Celebration and seeing him perform alongside pop performers like Britney and Usher made me realize how truly magical he is and what a better performer he is than preeetty much anyone else. That was also the night I started learning how to moonwalk.




In 2003 I did a photoshoot with a Michael Jackson temporary tattoo on. I considered getting a real one, but I think it'll be awhile before I get another tattoo.

Just the other day I was organizing a lot of my paper/art and stuff and found this newspaper collage I had done of Michael Jackson when I took Design/Color in college. It's of one of my favorite pictures of Michael! I am so sad he's gone and part of me believes he's faking his death.

I always hoped he'd outlive me!



I'm currently ripping Michael Jackson HIStory cd set onto my computer. Today is a day for watching Michael Jackson HIStory DVD and remembering how inspirational MJ is. Perhaps I will bedazzle a glove?

What's your favorite Michael Jackson song? Mine is probably Stranger in Moscow

What's your favorite Michael Jackson video? Smooth Criminal? Maybe? It's almost impossible to claim just one favorite!

<3 Love you MJ! <3

frustrated

I am so hungry. I don't like to talk a lot about eating/weight issues here because it seems trivial, but I am really irritated I have a pair of jeans that don't fit me anymore. Honestly I fucking hate working out. It never works for me as a means of weight loss because it makes me SO hungry and I end up building a ton of muscle and putting on fat too because I eat so much more. I'm trying to cut calories without going too crazy about it, but that's hard for me to do too.

Today is sunny, hopefully that will help my mood.

Today I have an "intake appointment" at a mental health clinic. I am not sure what this means, but I think it has something to do with changing therapists. Not excited at all about that. Also not excited about how my mom wants to go with me and then go to thrift shopping afterward. Meh. She might buy me stuff though, so maybe I should have her come along. And I do hate driving ...

Stupid.

I started writing some letters to friends that I've said I'd send fun surprises to. If anyone wants a snailmail letter and probably stickers and maybe some other fun stuff, send me your address to moenoep[at]hotmail[com]. I just bought a bunch of stamps and I love sending and receiving mail.


I took these pictures a few days ago when I was out sunbathing. Hope it's another day like this ...

Clutch #8

Last night I watched five episodes of Heroes. Tonight I had a Lipstick Jungle marathon (I adore Victory Ford and aspire to be her some day. Complete with millionaire love interest) and then a Fringe marathon. Then I watched an episode of the Simpsons. I love hulu.

Is it bad that I am really interested in electroconvulsive therapy? I wasn't aware they even still used this until a friend of mine mentioned it. But then I wikipedia'd it and apparently it's quite safe and relatively effective. I wonder if my insurance would cover this ... uhh.

I made chicken cordon bleu for the first time today (also the first time eating it) and it was pretty tasty. btw this cooking blog is awesome. I saw my therapist today and I think every time I see her I surprise her a little more with my strange thoughts, philosophies, theories, etc. I like her though and she is easy to talk to.

I was thinking ... it's not so bad that I have no money to pay any bills. Because soon my phone will be turned off. And then collections can't call me! Haha. Sad. Believe it or not, I actually currently have a pretty good credit score. April will be the end of that though. ): Talking about money is boring and lame and tacky. I'll stop.

My dog is adorable and trying to keep his sleepy eyes open to watch me from his vantage point on the bed. I love him.



p.s. oh yeah, the clutch will be listed on etsy tomorrow (provided i wake up before the daylight is gone again) i need to take proper pictures and sew a snap closure on it first. (:

p.p.s. oh and why the hell am i selling my ds just when GRAND THEFT AUTO: CHINATOWN WARS is coming out?

food stamps. mental health stigmas. the office.

Okay. Today I applied for food stamps. I'm really really not proud of this, but if I'm accepted for food stamps it will be a lot easier to defer my student loans. And really, there is no way I can handle another bill on top of everything. Anyway, during the application it asked if I had health reasons for not working. Or if I didn't work because I was disabled. And I really didn't know how to answer those.

I'm currently not working or in school because I have really bad depression and panic disorder and an eating disorder and unofficially diagnosed borderline personality disorder. Basically I have a lot of mental health issues. But I feel like those are bullshit reasons to not work. I really do. But that probably just makes me more depressed and more likely to have an anxiety attack. So wtf am I supposed to do? The last few days I've been a perfect commercial for depression or Paxil or Wellbutrin or Celexa or whatever when there's some person who's all by themselves looking really glum. Or maybe not because they never show people curled up in the fetal position crying in bed having not showered in 3 days in a very messy room with diet coke cans and snickers wrappers everywhere. Ugh. TMI sorry.

Anyway, I just read an article about depression and the stigma associated with it. It's about a study which concluded that people are more comfortable with admitting that they're gay, alcoholic, have cancer or are bankrupt. Seriously. People are more comfortable saying "I'm bankrupt" than "I have a mental health problem." I'm not judging bankruptcy because I'm pretty much bankrupt too. Haha. Reminds me of the episode of the Office where Michael "declares" bankruptcy. Check it out:

wah-wah.

Today I am completely miserable. I don't know what's wrong with me. I saw my therapist this morning but I was tired because I only got four hours of sleep last night. I talked about stuff that just stressed me out. I listed stuff on eBay, tried to nap but instead ate. Listed more stuff on eBay. My room's a mess and my life is so frustrating.

On a positive note I sent out three postcards to people in Finland, Germany and Illinois. I signed up at postcrossing.com and I am super excited about it.

I wanted to throw a plate at my mom's head this afternoon.
I was outbid on a lot of 4 pairs of Bally shoes.
I am running low on whole milk.
I am running low on money.

When I grow up I want a Chloe bag, a closet full of Louboutins, Giuseppe Zanottis, children (1 boy, 1 girl), a gas stove, French copper pots, a bullmastiff, and a really well landscaped yard.