archive from 2005 + nsfw picture

Here is a picture of me in my first apartment:

I was heavier then, but looking back, I like how "womanly" I look. Please excuse the fact that I'm in underwear and 4" patent leather peeptoe heels. (:

reading some of my old entries from my previous blogs. i found this one:

testing the limits of something i've never trusted
it's not worth what you're getting for it
why bother?

i'm growing up, and it's fucking exciting.

I had just moved into my first apartment in Seattle, it was summer and the weather was so pretty and I would walk to my one painting class I had at SCCC or to the grocery store or to work. I spent a lot of time hanging out with 3 friends and we could never plan things to do that sounded fun but we always ended up doing something random and silly and enjoying ourselves. But the journal entry was about more than that. I thought at the time that I was about to find out who I was and feel comfortable with who I was because I had Asian friends for the first time and I lived by myself and could pretty much do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I threw up the first day I lived there (either because the city tap water was so nasty, or out of nervous excitement).

I had lots of hopes, like becoming comfortable with driving in the city (I miss that car). I still hate driving and it makes me completely panicky to drive in Seattle. I was completely uninterested in finding a boyfriend, but I liked feeling free to date or sleep with whoever I wanted. And I liked the feeling of people wanting to date me. There were a) just generally a higher number of guys b) a higher chance of finding a guy without a bad case of yellow fever. Despite the dating atmosphere being better than my tiny hometown, I still went on plenty of terrible dates, but I always thought it was kind of fun. I think a bad date is much more fun than an "okay" date because it makes a good story and I like to see ridiculous people in real life situations.

Anyway, that summer was the last time I felt any significant momentum in my life. It slowed once real school (SU) started in the fall and then eventually stopped during my senior year there. And my bf at the time pushed me to finish my winter quarter. He wrote a paper or maybe two for me and did all kinds of stuff or me even though he was going to school himself 100 miles away. That was the reason I passed my classes that quarter. By spring quarter, my last quarter, he was gone to Japan and with no one there to spoon feed me my homework, I gave up and dropped out six weeks before the quarter was over and I would've graduated.

By that time my coping skills were definitely no match for the elements in my life. I had pretty bad agoraphobia, and usually only left the house to get food or to go to counseling/health clinic appointments at school even though i had entirely stopped going to classes. I rarely answered my phone and mostly only talked to people via texts because it's less confrontational.

I'm realizing the coping skills I've developed are no match for reality. I need them though, desperately. Because without them, I think I might explode or implode, or walk out in the street naked and crazy or drive my car into the house.

Blah. I'm done for now.

typing vomit

all i can fucking think about is you leaving me. and i wanted desperately to cling on to your leg with my legs and my arms and try to make you stay but it would have been humiliating for me and it was easier to just curl up on the futon with my face into the back of it and ignore you when you tried to say goodbye. i turned to you and kissed you and your eyes were watery i think and you said "you're so mad at me." and i said "yeah, i am." and then i went back to being curled up. you looked so hurt that i was so pissed at you. and i get that. i got it then too. but it wasn't worth it. you weren't worth it. and i'm terrified i won't find someone who is.

i remember being so excited to tell you i love you for the first time. i wrote about it in my livejournal in fact! i told people about it. "I'm going to L-Bomb him when he gets back from Utah." and then you came back and i was so fucking scared but i did it and you were mad that I beat you to it. your timing was always wrong.

i remember you telling me you might stay in seattle and not go to japan until i had graduated and we could go together and in the meantime you might go to UW and i remember the next thing we were at ashley's, she was cutting your hair, and you were showing her on google maps where you would be living and she was so excited for you and everyone else was so excited for you except for me. i was the only person who wanted to ruin it for you. and that should have been the end. when i realized you weren't staying for me, i should have walked away but i was fucking stupid and i stayed. and i regret that every time i see your goddamn face in my mind, trying to kiss me with your teary-welled eyes and you saying "you're so mad at me."

Well that's odd ...

I think my ex boyfriend is dating someone new. He's at least boning her and going on a vacay to Japan with her (I was stalking his facebook). Last night I was thinking "Hmm, wow it's been almost 5 months since I broke up with him. That's a kind of long time."

In many ways I'm totes over it but every now and then I fall apart and cry over it. Or I remember he gave me an engagement ring and I'm kinda like wtf? I don't know what to do with it. I don't think it's worth enough to bother selling and it's not something you can just throw away. /:

Mandz, Jeremy, Michael and I were talking about whether we'd prefer to see an ex with someone really attractive or someone ugly. Mandi and Michael said they'd prefer their ex to be with someone both ugly AND has a shitty personality. Jeremy and I were the opposite and said we'd rather have our ex's new gf/bf be physically attractive and have a great personality.

It's not that I'm particularly selfless or kind (because I'm not!). haha. It's just that if my ex started dating someone ugly and lame, I'd think they had low standards and assume that I too am ugly and lame. What do you guys think? I'm going to make this the new poll, but I want to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Would you rather have your ex's new bf/gf be attractive or ugly? Douchebag or nice?


I forgot how ridiculous this video was. Hahaha.

Where have I been???

Stephanie asked me where I disappeared to. Thanks for missing me! Haha. My computer had been slowly dying; running slower, showing all kinds of symptoms of being hella virus-ridden until it crashed completely last night/this morning. I thought I would have to get back together with my Microsoft/SDET ex bf in order to get my computer back up and running. Fortunately though, my amazing dad reformatted it for me today. Which is nice because I don't have to do something dumb like move to Utah to get my computer fixed.

That was a joke anyway. I'm sure he would have helped me with my computer anyway, he's a nice guy. Despite the fact that every night before I fall asleep I have a quick flashback of him, leaving my apartment two years ago, to move to Japan ... I still have mostly fond feelings toward him. I think. Maybe.

I am re-installing/re-downloading all kinds of shit because I lost EVERYTHING. If anyone has any music suggestions for me to download I'd appreciate your input! I had amassed a decent collection of pirated movies and music and starting over is frustrating but kinda feels nice and fresh I guess too. :P

one from the archives ...

November 13th, 2007 in Tokyo:

what i ended up bringing with me what i ended up leaving behind:
mid calf brown boots, knee high black boots, purple ankle boots, black patent calfhair wedges, black ballet flats, running shoes, underwear, bras, fur coat, fur lined hooded jacket, magenta jacket, other assorted jackets and blazers, leggings, jeans, two short sleeved turtlenecks, trapeze tops, dresses, a painting that's a gift for the bf, a miniature broom and dustpan (housewarming gift), glass photo coasters (another housewarming gift), four hats, scarves, long black leather gloves, short black leather gloves, cream cashmere fingerless gloves, shampoo, *conditioner (still need to buy), face wash, body wash, hair products, hair accessories, makeup, straight iron, curling iron, ipod, books, magazines, airplane snacks, wallet, passport, sunglasses, contact lenses and cases, glasses, robe, nintendo ds, digital camera, rechargeable batteries + charger, camera cable, ds charger ....

plus ... had my hello kitty ash tray bought from ebay delivered to japan address.

what i've purchased here:
3 drawer acrylic organizer for makeup, hello kitty pajamas, weird sweatshirt, fake nails, rubber nail charms, sketch pad, two graph paper notebooks, 3 pens, 3 sable brushes, watercolors, f cup cookies (did not work), camouflage pet sling carrier for my dog, blue squeaky pig dog toy, panda parka for dog, yellow circle sunglasses, weird flip up sunglasses as gift for ...

... will continue to add to this list as i remember all the shit i've bought ...

still on my list: gifts for friends and fam, heel saddle shoes like the bally ones i wanted from nordstrom but $550 cheaper, more stuff for my dog

Reading this again makes me smile because packing for trips is always fun for me. It requires organizing which I enjoy and forming lists which I also enjoy. And it reminds me of having THINGS. Like clothes and gifts and accessories and it reminds me of when my biggest disappointment in my life was that my boyfriend wouldn't propose. I wonder how I would've felt if I knew today I would have an engagement ring from him. Sitting in a box on my dresser. And I'm single.

FML

My ex boyfriend borrowed my car for a ridiculously long period of time earlier this year. "One to two weeks" turned into like a month. My ex-roommate in Seattle messaged me and said a parking ticket came for me in the mail there. It was obviously a ticket he incurred. I asked her to send it and she forgot. She emailed me images of the front and back of the ticket and I forwarded them to my ex. He said "Oh I don't have checks yet. What's your license plate number? Maybe I can pay it online."

to which I replied "Oh, my license plate is _____. It's also printed on the ticket along with all my other information. Also, you can pay it online at http://seattle.gov/courts and the URL is also stated on the ticket. Or you can pay by phone at 206-384-5600 (this number is also stated on the ticket).

He never responded after this. I had a dream this morning that he was avoiding talking to me about the ticket. Then I woke up and realized I was just dreaming about real life ): The ticket was already late (It had gone up from $38 to $63) and was due tomorrow so I paid it myself today with a credit card. And I now have $3 of available credit left.

1. i'm still not asleep. it's 6:33 and i can smell my dad cooking his breakfast. ew.

2. i just checked my email and gilt.com is having a helmut lang sale AND an oscar de la renta sale today at noon so i better fucking get to sleep so i can wake up in time to look at clothes that i don't even have credit card money for.

3. i just activated two credit cards that i've had for awhile (i just got new ones), and one of them made me talk to a real lady. her name was deborah and she sounded like a robot. i kept zoning out like when you're on an airplane and the flight attendants are droning on about wearing your seatbelt and inflating your oxygen mask, except this person kept trying to get me to sign up for some credit protection program and i was like UGH i'm already UNEMPLOYED, can you cancel my balance up to $10,000.00 NOW?

4. i think i broke up with my boyfriend last night. i'm still undecided on whether it really doesn't bother me that much, or if i'm just dissociating myself from my feelings.

5. ftbs.